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People come in and out of your life the doctor said.

I remembered one of her inscriptions had said something like that to me.

"Someone once told me people in and out of your life, well I hope I know you for a very long time".

She didn't it turned out. Just a few years, long enough to fall in love.

I had lost another good woman recently too. The best actually.

The others had all left me in some way or the other. This one I drove away with incessant lies and shady behavior (as she called it). I completely took her for granted.

She had added to me. the others mostly subtracted. I had wanted more passion and excitement after reeling from losing two passionate loves, one after the other. I didn't appreciate the real love and care she gave to me, attended to me. She took care of me.

Now, I had lost that too.

Memories and feelings plagued me, sick and sad feelings I couldn't shake.

I had to burn myself from the inside out.

You're a liar she said.

What could i say in reply? Nothing. I tried anyway, but soon realized silence was my best recourse.

I've known the deal from the start. You lie. I knew you had a girlfriend when I met you, I know you lie.

I remained silent. Apologies and the like didn't matter now.

Why are you telling me this? I asked.

Because it's the truth."

Secrets to success

1) Cry in public (while you walk, order lunch, etc.)

2) Over train to the point of anxiety

3) Try and "fix" things

4) Fuck with reckless abandon 

Without warning, she bounded up towards the apartment. Both of her hands seized the front door knob and she was inside!

Help meeee! Please!!!

It was pitch black in the apartment and I was pretty drunk. Still, I came up on her side and caught her jaw perfectly with a right hand that instantly dropped her.

Sorry about that I said to my friend.

I shoved her unconscious body out of the apartment. We were now back in the stairwell and she was coming too.

The light was jarring in Kevins one room apartment. We had gone from a dank pit like Lit and were now human cockroaches in what seemed to be a florescent tube.

I needed someone to help me mend, and I had used her. I tried to warn her. It went bad though and she had become used up. Partially from me, partially from the next guy, partially from alcohol. I wanted to help her and save her, but I couldn't. She was different now, and it seemed there was no going back.

I was sort of disgusted with myself for stopping after three rounds, but I felt like shit and succumbed to that feeling. I wanted my ego to have a little cushioning, and feared pushing myself anymore and being utterly destroyed by someone who wanted it more than me.

I flashed her my bottle opener badge. She laughed like it was the funniest thing she had seen. The truth was I did want to arrest her. She found my cuffs later when I gave her my blazer to wear in the cold.

Coming back was always hard to do.

I had long since realized not everyone would meet my true self. Part of living this solitary life in the absence of friends and lovers was to recognize grains of truth or signs when they would come. Scant.

Usually long after you had been beaten and beaten, but showed up anyway to walk through the fire once again.

"Own your life! Its yours, own it!" he would say to me.

I reminded myself frequently that crazy people were the closest things to seers I could expect in this world. Their whole life could be in-congruent with the idea of sage advice. But, these people were conduits for mystic truths.

The Boost-1989.

Things have been better for Lenny Brown.

Deeply insecure salesman Lenny Brown (Woods) travels to LA in search of the American dream and is ultimately devoured in mind, body, and spirit by cocaine addiction. This is prime Woods. Its his movie. The subject matter is perfect for him to rip through every scene, a spiraling mess you can't turn away from. Woods is a manic Jekyl and Hide who's nervously hilarious and tragic at the same time.   

I gotta mention Sean Young too. While overshadowed by Woods (anyone would be in this role), her character has some scenes of her own. She never quite made it right? Shes gorgeous in this movie, and obviously crazy. Shes sort of eerie in her delivery in absolutely every scene. Woods+Young had a romance during the filming, and that fact adds something to the movie for me.

One of the more cringe worthy scenes in 80s cinema.

The movie is classic 80s drug Less than Zero mold. The dialogue is kinda weak, the score is God awful, its low budget, and its totally predictable. But, it leaves an impression. And, thats largely due to Woods portrayl of Lenny Brown whos descent into drug addiction and insanity stayed with me in an unsettling manner. 

Woods smoking that C-Rack. I remember seeing this movie when I was 9.

Like other bizarre, gritty 80s films, The Boost is unintentionally hilarious. It sort of feels like an extremely dark lifetime special. Highly recommended. 

My workouts as of late have followed a clear pattern, focus on form over everything.

One of my big flaws has been the use of force or speed where technique is needed. I did this a lot for the first two years I trained strength and conditioning. Despite better coaching, I always concentrated on reps; how quickly and explosively I could do a movement. Because I hadn't done much of this training before, any type of exercise gave me massive gains. But, after a couple years past my gain from constant practices was clearly less noticeable.

It was good to get myself to a point where I was exhausted and learn to break through it, but regardless the feeling was different than the feeling of intensity and overwhelming exhaustion that I experienced in a tournament setting or even a rough gym match. A lot of the strength and conditioning stuff was physically more painful, worse in that way. But, there was something else, maybe an underlying psychological dynamic I did not fully understand that made tournament matches or tournament style matches against good players far rougher.

I mean, writing it down its pretty clear why. One is exercising really hard, and the other is fucking fighting. Completely different thing.

Jiu Jitsu is definitely a sport, but its got its roots in a fight. Even today with worm guard and all that shit, its still about imposing your will on someone.

But, anywayyyyyy. This realization wasn't clear enough to me that I could put it into words, but I found myself focusing my exercise on form and saving the cardio portion where I would really feel it-sparring in the gym. My actual workout away from Jiu Jitsu goes something like this-

20 minutes stretching, stability ball.

I stretch a ton. I'm really big on the butterfly stretch and the full split. I think both are awesome for jits, especially guard retention. I do all the normal yoga stuff you can learn in a few classes, and a variety of stretches I've picked up from trainers and Jiu Jitsu players. I do a lot of static and active stretching. With the amount of Jits I'm doing, I would not feel anywhere near as good as I do without heavy static stretching.

Stability ball is probably the most fun thing ever. There's a ton of exercises you can youtube or whatnot. Basically I get on the ball, and I never get off. Not even if it rolls off the mat or whatever, I always stay on the ball. I do a ton of hip breaks, and I do work a lot on speed and raising my heartrate, but its always form over anything. I play a lot here. Its clearly made my guard passing and base much better.

After I'm done with this I head upstairs and do weight lifting.

2 exercises, barbell

I mostly did kettlebell and sandbag training when I started out, which gave me a different feeling than barbells. I feel a lot stronger when I'm doing squat, press, deadlift...I just think they are better for me at this point for overall strength gains. Had I started with the barbell, I might feel differently now and prefer the kettlebell, sandbag, bulgarian bag approach.

Mostly I don't lift very heavy or high reps. I just lift consistently with the focus that my lifting is for injury prevention more than anything. Because I'm using a barbell, I'm going to get stronger (the gains are quick). My job is just to lift consistently. 

When I'm done with two basic barbell lifts, I'll head down and swim for twenty minutes.

Jiu Jitsu is definitely a skill based sport, but swimming might be the best example of this. It doesn't matter how much power or speed you exert, if your stroke sucks you aren't going to go anywhere in the water. In Jiu Jitsu, you can definitely get away with just being a good athlete and rough sometimes, but in my experience you'll never beat the best guys that way. The technique gap widens tremendously as you advance; it becomes very apparent how precise the best guys are when you roll with them. 

They understand their positions and how to get to them. Their technique is battle forged through unique high stress environments you cannot recreate with circuits. Like swimming, if you just try to be a fucking animal and rip through their grips, you won't go far. 

I write this having seen how tremendous a tool athleticism, will, and aggression can be for Jiu Jitsu. It can often be the deciding factor, especially if technique is equal or relatively close. But, I really feel Jiu Jitsu is a skill based sport first. So, doing something like swimming that forces me to concentrate on my form in order to get results is forging good training habits. At least that's part of my rational for it being the final piece of my workout.

It also loosens me up after lifting. Its a different type of relaxation and fatigue then any exercise, and I'm not really hurting when I'm done with it.

20-Stretch/Ball

20-Weights

20-Swimming

Not really hard, but fun and refreshing.

Look man, I'm not really crazy about drinking anymore. It makes me feel like shit. I don't really want to drink that much tonight. 

Thats cool, don't worry about it. I understand man, if you don't want to have anything, don't. I don't even like it that much myself anymore. 

.......

Holding back in training so everything is perfect hurts more than it helps. When I'm getting pushed (getting my ass kicked) it sucks, but I feel pretty incredible after. Especially when I fight really tough guys. Its definitely my testosterone rising after my body realizes its too weak to get the job done. Kinda the same as the same feeling after weight lifting + swimming. 

Try, get smashed, get stronger, try again...

Break your toes and pop your ankle. Get on the mat all day every day.