There was nothing now. In an instant everything had changed. I was stuck in what I thought had been happening up to that point. When reality hit, I couldn't bear it, and deluded myself about what was really happening.

I could see this often in my jiu jitsu. It was ego based; I operated from a fear of loss. I would be too focused on not losing or looking bad, instead of playing the game to win. Because of that, fighting from that fear, I couldn't stand really intense situations. I might have thought I was training hard, but I wasn’t, I was lying to myself.

I would misinterpret points of no return when playing guard, or rush completely unbalanced with zero drive when passing. I would use the wrong move for the wrong situation, because I wasn't really seeing what was happening. I would go all out, crash and burn, rinse and repeat.