There was nothing now. In an instant everything had changed.
I was stuck in what I thought had been happening up to that point. When reality
hit, I couldn't bear it, and deluded myself about what was really happening.
I could see this often in my jiu jitsu. It was ego based; I
operated from a fear of loss. I would be too focused on not losing or looking
bad, instead of playing the game to win. Because of that, fighting from that
fear, I couldn't stand really intense situations. I might have thought I was
training hard, but I wasn’t, I was lying to myself.
I would misinterpret points of no return when playing guard,
or rush completely unbalanced with zero drive when passing. I would use the
wrong move for the wrong situation, because I wasn't really seeing what was
happening. I would go all out, crash and burn, rinse and repeat.
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