The dude who plays chalkie whites right hand man on boardwalk empire is fantastic.

The guy with half the face is the best.

I can't wait to compete again.

Guna check out cronenberg's "the brood".

This is a lot more effective if you hum Ace Hood's "Hustle Hard" while you watch. Thats pretty much what was going on in my mind during this.

Apologies for the darkness of the vid, should be fixed soon.

Coping with my first knee injury has been hard. Got it in the opening round of my tournament last week (video soon). Felt good in the match and was doing well, but then got put in my opponents lockdown. He tried to sweep me twice and I based back, my right leg vulnerable, entangled. When I based back, he attempted his sweep and my knee went with him. But, I didn't give up the two.

I just verbally tapped by yelling ARRRRRGHHHHHHHH.

Uhhhhhh, I'm going to try and update this reguraly.

It seems like everyone has a blog at the new school. My friend and student told me to market myself more. So, here goes.

Lost at Pan Ams, but got the sweetest scar.

Naga tomorrow. I may actually kill my competition.

Work is almost overhwhelming. But, not so yet.

School is getting pushed aside, need to cram this weekend.

Women women women.

I'm trying to write more. A friend of mine gave me an article by Seth Godin. It was about being a better writer. Basically, it was to practice every day. Makes sense.

I've got a couple different stories I want to be done with soon. At least 1st drafts.

I'm doing Pan Ams this Saturday. Purple belt light weight. I've got the usual nerves.


Chilling out.

School is so great. Have to be even more alpha. Also, New class today. Excited.
Now, movie reviews!!!

Here's what I remember-

The fly
This was totally amazing in every way possible. It starred Jeff goldblum who is at his best in this playing a character with the ultimate form of nerd rage. The movie is basically Jeff goldblum acting alpha (being himself) and then tons of gross out scenes that still kinda hold up. Special attention should be payed to geena Davis's abortion/delivery scene. This scene stacks up to other all time great abortion scenes in cinematic history, such as the one from "the last American virgin" and masters of horror "pro life". Serious company to keep.

Darkman
As awesome as the fly was, Darkman was the more entertaining film. It starred Liam neeson, Francis mcdormand, and Larry drake (the guy who played Benny on la law). Liam is pretty amazing as Darkman, but drakes Durant was my favorite character.  Durant is an alpha crime boss who takes what he wants when he wants. He has a human trophy case, henchmen made up of lunatics, and a special male assistant named Keith. If it wasn't for darkmans awkward dating scene which I identify with,  Durant would be the clear favorite. Oh yeah, Sam Raimi made this and its one of his good ones. Fuck batman, see Darkman!!!!!!!!.

School is awesome.

Horror movie reviews soon!!

I started counting my breaths after I wake up. It's very centering. Too much thought, too much Facebook. I have a lot happening with school and other stuff. It's good to start the day as simply as I can.
Is like to work on my judo this week. I also want to continue working on my offense from guard with the overhook.
It's time to start writing again. Tomorrow is class.
New drills for jiu jitsu, have to figure them out.

At freemans sporting goods in the west village. I walked past the juice store an ex girlfriend worked at, vivid memories. Beatdown training this afternoon, will be terrible. I hope this barber does a good job, when he asks me what I want ill say "short". I hope he takes my glaseses into account when he styles my hair. I won't actually mention that though.

I'm excited about school and the possibilities in store for me.

Work continues to go exceptionally well.

Beautiful girls out. Tall, long dark hair, big eyes and lips. Who are you they stare at me.

Hard to say what I want most now, but they are a major part of it.

Sleep is so important. My coach says sobriety is just as important. But I'm not sure.

I'm going to be obnoxious with these updates for some time.

At a copy center, my friend, Alex and I take notice of a bizarre, sexual middle aged woman. A fellow customer, she tells us to "Enjoy" as we take our copies.neither me or Alex can keep the conversation going.

Oh snap, I can post. Very good.

Guna have to make a new blog, my smartphone doesn't link to blogger?

Its that time of year again! School!!!!!!!!!!!

Taking a class Ghastly Beauty and my first class I took when I went to school, Fiction writing with Sidney Offitt.

Jiu Jitsu continues to grow and change my life in positive, unexpected ways. This past year has been a huge change for me in a lot of things, and its a great feeling to enter into the new.

Attack, attack, attack.

Cash flow problems can't be avoided as I go off to a friends wedding, but something tells me everything will be just fine.

Listening to remixes of the killers often.

More introspective ramblings later.

Strength and conditioning was awesome today. Really focused on the movement and process over outcome. Was able to add in extra rep during double kettlebell clean and press circuit because of it.

Girls, girls, girls.

Competitions on the horizon. Training is focusing on a few techniques and intense offensive intention. Going for a "relentless" style.

Need new music.

Surrounded by good people, staying social, staying motivated.

Less introspective smoking moments and more action. Still, those haven't gone out of style.

Bourbon, thumbs up.

Training and competing with the best guys I ever have. Realizing I don't know shit and have to push myself that much harder and smarter in training. Yup, yup gooooooo.

Smoking, training, training, drinking, partying, training, competing etc etc etc.

Books that are worthwhile-

1) The relaxation response.
Talks about "the relaxation response" (durrrr). Natures antidote to the fight, flight, or freeze response.

2) Real Happiness
Amazing "how to" book on meditation. I honestly think if you want to get good at being chill under stress you need consistent meditation.

3) Mindfulness in plain english.
Great for explaining these types of concepts to the western mind.

4) Flow
A book about the state we are all searching for.

Update

Jiu Jitsu is better than ever. Completely different athlete than before. All my losses helped me so much, changed my outlook and helped me begin to understand intrinsic motivations and task based focus/flow state. Its cool shit.

Women continue to be a fascinating problem for me. The beautiful ones usually have some type of boyfriend, mental problem, or both.

Friends and being social > Everything.

School is out! But, that means I finally have to figure out my loans and register for classes. I think I'm taking my old writing teachers class, because it was just so good and you never know.

My philosophy class was a horrible bust this year. My psychology class was good.

This has been barren as of late.

I've been dancing, competing, and training.

Things I did.

Got my purple belt. Its not supposed to be validating I think, but it is. Especially when you are made to wait for it and then get it after working as hard as you can for years and being given it in front of some of the best guys in the world and your friends as they shake your hand and congratulate it.

Fought a Mongolian Olympian in Judo. Barely lost. Huge confidence booster.

Socialized a lot.

Pot+Eagles+Freud=No can defend A+ philosophy papers.

Then theres this...

The basic feeling underlying my frustration with my meditation practice was one of restlessness. There was something, an anxiety underneath all my negative thoughts that caused me to want to get up and go when I was meditating. It made me want to stand up and pace around and think my way out of the moment. The feeling of restlessness without any real destination in mind left me feeling bewildered, afraid, and unsure of myself.

What is this, I don't even

Teeth marks in forehead.

Broken, gross deformed pinky. New cauliflower in right ear.

Fish oil to the rescue. What what.

Great idea for story during philosophy class.

Hard, hard sparring against much better people brings new levels of focus and ability.

Philosophy professor vs Nihilist philosophy student. This is becoming a recurring theme in class. Professor makes argument, student challenges and name drops different philosophers he has read while getting further away from original topic. I watch the young professor go from avoiding conflict to heading into it somewhat authoritatively.

Good.

I tune out ad recount a sparring match in which I did well. I try and remember things that worked for me and why they did. I repeat the move over and over until something snaps me back to reality.

I become painfully self aware as I scan the room. I remind myself not to bite my nails.

Girl to my far right is stunning. If she turns and looks at me I'll sedeuce her with my glance.

She leaves early and never looks up from her computer.

Back to reality. Professor is back doing rounds with student. Student posturing a bit, smug. Professor uses the "we aren't going there" move and we are back on topic.

I focus and listen.

Cannot understand a thing.

Research paper on something this Monday. Gotta spring into action!

Still learning how to groom ma beard.

Becoming far more sinewy and crazy. Things are looking up.

In diner. Old lady pays for breakfast, grabs fistfuls of peppermints and toothpicks as she leaves. Time slows down.

I can see through time.

 

Big Pimpn

Chronic Stress State - When the timing between the threat and the resolution of the threat are more distant (the threat or the perception of threat is prolonged or other threats occur before the body has recovered), the “fight-or-flight" reaction continues and becomes the new ‘standard operating condition’ of the body, chronic Defense Physiology. Continuing in this mode produces significant negative effects (distress) in many aspects of body functioning (physical, mental and emotional distress).

Aha.

Wrote some great, fucked up stuff today. Feels good. Noir contest go!

Coming back to my montreal hoitel room along with my teammate and friend. We both expected we would win or do well instead of first round losses. My legs are heavy from the adrenaline dump I suffered in first round. He turns on the tv and we see mickey rourke leaving the arena in the beginning of the wrestler. He's spent all day waiting to perform and puts his body through abuse. The long day is agony and as he finally leaves they are taking the ring apart. I think of us leaving the arena as they are pulling the mats away. The irony is not lost on us.

Interesting two weeks.
Won gold in regional tournament. Ran through everyone, great feeling.
One week later, lose international tournament in Montreal. Overwhelmed, but did not quit.
In Montreal as I write this. Face is raw, want to get drunk.
Must win major competition this year.

Adrenaline dump set in. Heart breaking loss. Such is life. My teammates don't have good luck either and I can see the tears in their eyes. Going to have a lot of fun when I get back and get some more gold medals. Can't wait to be back in nyc with the great food, beautiful girls, and my apartment.

Oh yeah, 5 out of 7 of us have been arrested as it turns out. But Canada did us all a solid and let us in. Props.

Slight hangover after victory. Long disco day yesterday.

Most beautiful trailer ever? Going to say yes.

I've seen her twice so far.

The woman downstairs has become older and suffered some sort of stroke. Shes now blind. She has a helper who seems to be bare bones. She has to learn how to walk up and down the stairs, and it seems tough because shes so old. Having to start over at that age is something almost incomprehensible.

Often I see her as I'm running on my way somewhere, thinking of the future. And there she is, slowly going up the stairs.

Keep going forward. Keep moving.

I've been doing strength and conditioning with a new coach and I feel like I can run through walls. Its fun.


This is up there for most beautiful voice/song in the last century. I have a slightly different version, but you know.

Oh St Augustine! You and me have spent enough time together.

3 practices.

Knee through passing 4 rounds.

Margarida Guard play 3 rounds.

50 closed guard pulls.

Focus.

Learned the definition of love today in Philosophy class. Been meaning to do that.

Notes on the day-

Ran two miles on a boardwalk in order to jump into the ocean "on time".
Taralluci E Vino has the best donuts in the city.
It is possible to lose your glasses in a sea of people on the beach.
Its also possible to go back and find them an hour later in the sand when you decide to give it one more try. Having good friends helps.
The ocean is a cold merciless bitch that has amazing powers of revitalization.
Sometimes its worth it to travel 4 hours for something it takes 30 minutes to do.

Baywatch/Rocky 3 moment of the day.

Losing sucks. Had a good victory yesterday, but an ugly day all around. Time to wash all traces of it from my consciousness by jumping in the ocean. Or something.

Walking down my street at night, high on weed and hash I’d breathe in the cold air and listen to kid cudi. My body ached slightly from the long days training sessions, it was a positive reminder of how hard I worked. I stomped around feeling my strength. Every trip I had out on the street seemed epic. It didn’t matter if I was just going to buy take out, it was an adventure. I was fully conscious of my body, my breath and my thoughts just streamed forth in a haphazard ballet.

Anxiety was gone. More often than not I’d follow the thoughts and they would take me to ugly places, but I found it cathartic, a release that would put me in a positive frame of mind about any subject, past, present or future. I liked being a little scared and going down deep into the depths of my mind and coming up with some submerged treasure that I felt had blocked my flow and growth.

I couldn’t tell if it was real or just the drugs and intense exercise. But, it was therapeutic. Gradually, things changed.

Resting today. Going to do some writing at some point. Yoga? Possibly.

Was given a true power bracelet by a friend. Wearing it until I lose it.

So, getting rid of assumption and judgement is my homework for my psychology class.

Fell on my head and saw wavy tv lines last night. Despite that, trained like a bezerker and am ready to kill. Going to rest and watch deadwood for the remainder of the week.

Did my paperwork for January. I think I'll come out on top.

Still unsure on how to pay back student loans. Apparently I'm not listed in the database...

Considering lifting weights or just staying in so I feel better. Thinking the latter.

Thank God for Pandora.

Going to write stories this week. One is definitely noir.

Loving being back in school. Philosophy class is great, excited about Wednesdays Pysch...

My philosophy class won me over.

Walking around at night while listening to Kid Cudi after training all day and learning Freud for 2 hours.

Bartering with the cookie girl to let me get away with that extra nickel because I forgot my wallet. She agrees.

Success.

 

Did good today.

Warm in flannel right now.

All my clients canceled on me this weekend. Their excuses range from real to I can't believe he just fucking wrote that to me.

Still sick. I'm pretty much ok with it.

Trained light yesterday, will train hard today.

Currently watching Deadwood nonstop and loving it.

Still have to write a noir story.

5 matches today. Didn't play great in em, but did 5 matches. My strength is coming back, thank God.

Today was just rough mentally as well as physically. Found myself dealing with the problems by getting angrier, more aggressive and consistently trying. Theres a little insanity there, but I'm sticking with it and seeing where it takes me.

Face looks horrible. Considered taking a picture to document all the scuffs, blemishes and bruises this amount of training brings on, but vanity won out.

Still sick. The journey continues.

"You may notice certain feelings come up. And, thats ok. Thats natural. But, you also have to remember this is a class and not therapy. So, for that reason I'm guna ask you to hold onto those feelings."

Good fucking call. Thank you.

Registered for Abu Dhabi Pro-

http://abudhabiprousa.com/site/home/

Feeling better. Not as sick. Still shaking the cobwebs off, but much better then before.

Figuring out my loans isn't as bad as I once thought, but still confusing.

200 bucks is missing from my account. Oh no. Time to learn about internet banking so I can fix this...

Gotta start and finish my noir story...

New class today! Mindfulness in pyschology...will it be good?

One of the tough guys at my gym gave me a card thanking me for helping him in his jiu jitsu. A big thank you and a picture of a flower covered the card, but he made sure to write inside "please disregard the flower". I like that.

Still sick. Have a lot of things to take care of. Instead, opting to sit still for a few hours and watch a movie.

Started classes yesterday. Freud seems interesting. I think I made a weird impression during my q and a portion.

This stomach virus can go fuck itself.

Projectile vomiting in the middle of the day on 14th st isn't as cool as it sounds.

I'll get rid of it by tomorrow though.

Awesome quotes from potential clients-

Will you teach me to do a summersault? I mean backflip.

Its choosing between jiu jitsu and aerial silks for me.

What do you do against someone who is 500 lbs?

What do you do against someone who is 500 lbs and has a knife?!

My fingers hurt, I don't want to do this anymore. Can you show me anything else?

Is there a kung fu school where they will teach me flips around here?

In bed. Can't tell if its just normal stiffness or if my body is hurting because of lactic acid. It feels like I need 14 blood transfusions. A day at the spa would fix this, but ill settle for a hot bath before I go lift.

I need to look at my student loan papers. Joy.

Put off most of the work I should have done this weekend until tonight.

Sleep does wonders.

Skipped lifting today. Needed rest.

Do I switch my meditation/pysch class for my old writing class? Thinking yes.

I just figured out how I can write from my phone.

Thinking its worth it to retake the same writing class.

Watched Mr. Brooks about three times the past few days. In some way its the perfect movie.

Winter times are the best to watch all the hollywood flics up for award consideration.

Contacts are coming. Giving it a second try.

Apprehension about school, competing, and the future.

Need to go a lake sometime soon.

Drinking faucet water in Spanish Harlem.

Walking home in paranoia with a friend. Several bong hits and we are instantly stripped of all our championships and victories on the mat as we eye an aggressive looking homeless man swinging a cane.

"Is that the guy who barricaded Kyle in so he couldn't get out" my friend asks, speaking of an earlier incident that took place that evening. I'm unsure I say.

"This place is dangerous" I shout as we pick up our walking and arrive at the subway station.

Brutal. Great day though.

About to start training for the day. Back hurts, but not to bad. Guna x choke and pass everyone I train with. Playing high guard ala BJ Penn, and its awesome with collar chokes.

Need to finish the current book I'm reading.

X chokes for all.

I read the book "Talent is overrated" (Well, part of it). It does a good job of laying the case for hard work and mastery, which I ultimately agree with as being the most important factor for success. That being said, I can think of talents I've come across and they were by no means overrated.

The problem is talent can often mean mental weakness because those talents have never been pushed to the point where us normal, hardworking folks have. But, what happens if the talent isn't mentally weak or doesn't fizzle out after a few years/months? Then you get something awesome.

The problem is thats rare. Not just with talent though. Its the same for ordinary or talented in a lot of ways. Most of the work to get really good is done through a grueling forging process that needs outside guidance and inner focus that a lot of athletes never really get a chance to have/develop. Its hard to spend thousands of hours consistently doing repetitive movements or have someone believe in you enough to help you understand all the losses are ultimately a process. So, people quit and or remain mediocre.

Getting off tangent, back to talent-

Not to say you can't be awesome through mastery alone, I think you can. But, I found myself sitting here and thinking of two of the biggest talents I've trained with in Jiu Jitsu. One in particular has been doing it a couple years, barely trains, barely sleeps, and drinks all the time. Yet, hes one of the best I've seen on the mat and is constantly smashing guys. A lot of that is talent.

I think thats awesome.

My upper back is in knots. Right side. Shouldn't have sparred so much tonight, lesson learned.

I've got a beard. And a peacoat. A black winter hat. I like walking around in the cold in that outfit. For an instant I can close my eyes and pretend I'm a grizzled sailor on leave, or a nantucket fisherman. Fortunately, I'm able to open my eyes and have cappuccino after.